So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. (Isaiah 30:18)
After work Monday evening, I couldn’t ignore the knot of anxiety twisting in my chest. Would I cook when I got home? I still needed to write my newsletter. I was behind in my administration work, and I needed to call and connect with some of the girls on campus. There was so much to do, and I had forgot to put my shift at Barnes & Noble in my planner. The weekend had been full and awesome, but being an introvert, I felt like I was being pressed by an unyielding iron, and I was calling that iron God. I ended up picking up something to eat and choosing to take some personal time to refresh myself. But the knot would not let up.
“Should I write? Should I read the new Nicholas Sparks book? Should I practice the guitar? Or should I take a bath?” I asked myself over and over. Surely, I wouldn’t waste my little bit of alone time just sitting here. Between these questions I felt an urge to spend time with God. “But I already spent time with you today. Good, long time! How much more time do you need? I need my time!”
And so I resisted. I read. I played the guitar, but the anxiety refused to subside. So I took a bath, got ready for bed, and “relaxed.” Afterwards, I laid in the middle of the floor of my bedroom. I could feel God drawing me to spend time with him, drawing me to His waters to be refreshed, but I didn’t trust that He would really refresh me. I was too tired to get into the word. So I just started talking to Him about everything, about the tears behind my eyes that I had been holding in all day, the emotions I did not understand. I had been reading The Cross-Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney earlier that morning, and yearned to live a life centered on Christ, and most of all, I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to throw off my flesh that taints all my good intentions. It was beautiful. I ended the time singing hymns and praising him.
“Why should I gain from His reward?” I sang. “I cannot give an answer! But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom!”
I thought of Samantha, one of the students God has allowed me come along side and mentor, and I praised God for His grace towards her. I thought of my team and His grace towards us. And I thought of you....Oh, how I praised God for you, that you would even desire to be apart of this team through gifts and/or prayer. God has been brewing something in me. He let me taste a little bit last night and it was so sweet! In the midst of my imperfections, my being prone to wander, in the midst of my doubts and fears, He gave me a taste of his goodness. And it was better than my Cafe Au lait w/ Soy and two pumps of vanilla. It refreshed me inwardly. I was touched by the lover of my soul.
Sipping the Love Latte
I came here wanting to blow Bowie out of the water with my ministry plans. God drew me here to teach me about love--His love, my love for Him and how to extend that same love to others. I’m learning how to love my teammates, the students I reach out to, and those I work under. To sum this first quarter up,
I’m learning to let go, trust God, who is love.
