Since I've been back to Tampa for break many people have asked me how the first semester went, and I must ask God for forgiveness for the way I have been apt to respond. I tend to emphasize how hard it had been, how often I questioned why I told Him "Yes," how different the ministry strategy is from the one at the University of South Florida. My response, infused with negativity, prompts listeners to encourage me with truths about God's use of suffering to mature us. While it usually ends with a hopeful perspective on the fruit that will yield on the campus, I am finding that instead of focusing on God's great work in and through me and the rest of the team, I focus on my ignorant response.
The most difficult thing about this semester was not the part-time job that seemed to get in the way, the barrier to getting time in the dorms, the difficulty developing authentic relationships with the girls, the fight to be confident in who I am and how God has gifted me. The most difficult thing was not my campus director constantly challenging the way I think about and interpret life. It was not the discovery that I ultimately believe that no one really cares about me and that no one will meet my needs or yours. The discovery of my lack of trust broke me, but that was not what made this semester HARD.
My heart is what made it hard. My pride stood in the way of me being on the same page as God, so I often found myself fighting him. And of course being humbled by the fall. Out of this pattern came a desperation for the gospel in my daily life. I needed to be reminded that Christ died for my sins, all of them. That my sin does not surprise him. In fact, that is why He came, to save sinners, so why would that sin keep me from Him if I believe that?
I needed to be reminded of the perfect life he lead and His suffering. I needed to be reminded that because of his death and resurrection, I am united with Him. And rather than focusing on my shortcomings, I need to lean into Him and embrace all that I have in Him.
I needed this!!!! And the more I clung to it, the more I saw hope. And the more I spoke of him, our Lord, with power and conviction from His Spirit. I remember one student who attended our large group study faithfully for weeks and then disappeared. I called her one week to see to if she wanted to get lunch and catch up. She mentioned that she hadn't been to the study because of her rigorous soft ball schedule and mandatory study hall. I asked her if she wanted to get together weekly to go over what we discussed in bible study and she said that she would love to.
The first week she brought a friend and it was amazing. We were looking at an encounter with Jesus in the gospels with an inductive or investigative approach, asking questions like, "Who is in this passage? What stands out to you in this verse? Why do you think he said this? Why do you think Jesus said that? How do you think the rich man felt?" and etc. In the end, we were looking Jesus in the face and hearing his message, and it was beautiful. After praying, I asked if they wanted to do this again. My friend from the study said she really wanted to and that she would invite others as well.
This excited me because you only invite people to something that you enjoy. The next week she ended up being sick and we weren't able to meet, but I'm looking forward to the spring semester to meet with these girls again.
Why don't I share that story more often instead of focusing on my hardships? God gets the glory out of it all, but I pray that I would fight for joy and a more positive, loving, and gracious perspective.
